The Blob

Marvel Comics Image from Silver Surfer Annual #3, Vol, III, by Mike Baron and Neil Hansen.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lifeform_%28comics%29

This is Hugh Mann, daring desperado, reporting live from the sewers of the United States Senate. The cosmos is a vast place, filled with BILLIONS AND BILLIONS of ordinary yellow stars, surrounded by BILLIONS AND BILLIONS of ordinary earth like planets, including the extra special ordinary planet Earth, where the current mammalian primate lifeforms have now overpopulated the planet, by engaging in nonstop sexual activities like the er … um … mammalian primates that they are. (Mental note : invest in more latex futures).

They have recently taken over a formerly human free area of a formerly isolated continent, and have now incorporated its imaginary boundaries into an unexceptional nation of farmers, construction workers, transportation pilots and bureaucrats, and have drawn up a document allowing them to elect unexceptional farmers, workers, pilots and bureaucrats to represent their unexceptional interests. These people really need to get into the universe more often to see how the rest of the universe operates, but being the insane, isolated and paranoid lifeforms that they are, that seems pretty unlikely at this point. Nevertheless, the amazing fortuitous circumstances of evolution, random chance and the meticulous encoding of their biological information, along with occasional meddling by aliens, have all conspired to allow them to progress to the level of technological maturity that they may now proceed to do just that, if they choose to do so, and if they do it in a manner that reality and physics allows.

Unfortunately, there appears to be an insidious virus residing in the sewers of the houses of their elected representatives, one that can be found in the smoking ruins and dead ashes of many unsuccessful species across the universe, the dreaded stupid virus. Yes, all of you cosmic lifeforms out there, the Earth appears to be infected, and the only known way to prevent the spread of this virus is a material called latex, and the only known cure for this virus is something called STEM education. All the large space telescopes in this region of the Orion arm of the Milky Way galaxy are on Earth, waiting patiently to see if any of these unexceptional lifeforms in this unexceptional nation of America will be able to defeat the stupid virus, and prevent their suicide and self destruction, and build a transportation device capable of taking them at least out to the asteroids, before the asteroids come to them.

Again.

And Hugh Mann, intergalactic reporter extraordinaire, will be there to get the story and bring it to you, whatever the final results may be. But I have to be truthful, this doesn’t look too promising right now, from my vantage point in the slippery, slimy, dark, smelly, foul, corrupt and fetid sewers of the United States Senate. It’s going to be some great entertainment, though, so be sure to tune into the Earth Channel and the Human Show weekly, to see where the mammalian primates are in their quest escape Earth before all hell breaks loose.

Oops, gotta go, it sounds to me like there is some non-stop flushing going on up there.