The Blob

This is Hugh Mann reporting, live, from the outskirts of Moscow, where Habibullo Abdussamatov has just arrived by state helicopter, in an attempt to convince the local villagers that there are no fires to fight, and that they should just put down their shovels and buckets and wet towels and relax, because global warming is merely another scientific hoax perpetrated by evil capitalistic Americans, and global cooling is sure to be on the way.

Oh my God, a Russian peasant just smacked him down with a shovel, and he has not even been on the ground more than a few minutes! This is terrible. Now he is being thrust into the fire fight, nose bleeding, face smeared with mud, this is total anarchy here folks.

Let me see if I can get an interview with this gentleman.

“Sir, Sir … can I have a moment of your time?”

“Sure, comrade, I speak very good English”

Sir, why did you strike Mr. Abdussamatov?

“I am tired of the lies and I’ve fighting out here for days. Let him fight the fire for a while.”

But sir, can’t you see he is a bitter and cynical old man?

“More bitter and cynical than I, you must be kidding, and I’m only 45 years old.”

But can’t you see that violence is not the answer to your problems?

“Of course, I’m sorry, I must have lost my mind. This has been very stressful for me, my cabin just burned down and my family is now living in a shelter. I must apologize to Mr. Abdussamatov right away. Mr. Abdussamatov, Mr. Abdussamatov …

“Go away, can’t you see I’m busy?”

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Abdussamatov, please forgive me.”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s just a small bruise, and give me that shovel, I’ve got work to do. Here, take my water.”

Oh thank you Mr. Abdussamatov, I’m so sorry, I must be going crazy.

Well there you have it folks, another science denier becomes a science believer, another culture war has been averted, another wildfire has just been put out, and it’s just another day on the job for Hugh Mann, the Impossible Man, risking his life again on the front lines, for humanity. Now if you will excuse me, I’ve got some fires to fight.