The Blob

This is Hugh Mann reporting, live, from the smoking ruins of downtown lakefront Sheboygan, Wisconsin, where Launch LLC was just unveiling it’s newest rocket design – the El Diablo!

At least I think I’m still alive. Can anybody hear me? Hello? Is anybody out there? My ears are really ringing, but my eyelashes still seem intact. How does my hair look? Still there?

I’m getting reports coming in now that every east facing window in Sheboygan is blown out. People are just now starting to crawl out of the wreckage of the bleachers and the stage. I’m pretty sure that very few people among the large crowd that showed up at this news conference, actually expected that the rocket would be ready for testing this soon, and certainly nobody expected a real time instantaneous test of the rocket. The Launch LLC guy just blurted out ‘I’ll show you what this sucker can do’, and hit a red button and then all hell broke loose!  That really put the hecklers in their place! Wait, one moment, we have a report that the Aerojet solid rocket motors just separated from the core stage booster, and now the Launch LLC representative is announcing that the El Diablo is well on course for orbital insertion without any upper stage at all. One second. Oh my God! I’m hearing now that the SRM exhaust has ignited the Sheboygan Armory, and the spectators are being asked to come over and help fight the fires. It still appears the serendipitous test flight is still nominal and the AJ26-58 engine is smoothly exceeding five gees, well on its way to making orbit, for a rendezvous and reboost mission to the International Space Station.

The crowd is cheering wildly, and there is even talk among the firefighters of turning the Armory into a mission control, moving all of the launches down to the Port Washington launch site and building all new rocket factories in the Midwest. People are excited folks!

The rumors running through the crowd now is that after penetrating the atmosphere and thrusting its way into orbit, and after accomplishing its mission of transferring its bodily fluids to the ISS, and reboosting her to a new higher orbit, the El Diablo will then be retired into a stable orbit to start its own stud ranch, where it will undoubtedly sire many progeny of great note. I’ve also heard that El Diablo may be a one of a kind mutant rocket, whose sole purpose in life is to shock and awe crowds into ever more daring and outrageous exploits.

Mating this thing with the Jesus Rocket will be sure to raise a lot of singed eyebrows in Sheboygan, I can tell you that! I just think it’s amazing what can be accomplished in the field of rocket science, when one sells one’s soul to the devil, with a sole source, no bid, cost plus contract. This is America, folks, when burning rock is outlawed, the outlaws will burn rock! And I have it on good authority that’s just the way things work in hell as well.

This is Hugh Mann reporting live from Sheboygan, Wisconsin, on the amazing simultaneous announcement and first flight of the El Diablo rocket. Wait, one moment. My ears are still ringing, but I can just make out in my earpiece that I have been informed by my boss that I must mention a disclaimer – I am a major stockholder and sit on the board of directors of World Corp – the parent company of Launch LLC. And now I just wish to thank you good folks for coming down this morning to see the launch. We apologize for the inconvenience.

And come back when we’re ready to unveil Satan’s new spawn – The El Dorado Rockets!